Countess Celia: You must be so looking forward to the King's return, Your Majesty.
Queen: No.
Countess Celia: No, My Lady? But think: he will come to your chamber and make mad, passionate love to you!
Queen: Yes, I wish he wouldn't do that. It's very difficult to sleep with that kind of thing going on.
E2: Born to be King

Blackadder: You see, the thing about Heaven is that Heaven is for people who like the sort of things that go on in Heaven, like, er, well... Singing, talking to God, watering pot plants. Whereas Hell, on the other hand, is-is for people who like the other sorts of things: adultery, pillage, torture; those areas.
E3: The Archbishop

Blackadder: (Reading a love letter he has taken from Percy.) Ah. And who is Jane?
Percy: I am sworn to secrecy. Torture me, kill me! You shall never know!
(Blackadder kicks him.)
Percy: Ogh! Jane Harrington.
Blackadder: Ah.
Percy: We're very much in love, My Lord.
Blackadder: This is the Jane Harrington?
Percy: Yes!
Blackadder: Jane 'Bury me in a Y-shaped coffin' Harrington?
Percy: I... I think maybe there are two Jane Harringtons.
Blackadder: No. Tall? Blonde? Elegant?
Percy: Aye, that's right!
Blackadder: Goes like a privy door when the plague's in town?
E1: Bells

(Queenie finds out that Blackadder has been spending a lot of time with 'Bob'.)
Queenie: Do you think he'd spend more time with me if I was a boy?
Melchett: Surely not, madam.
Nursie: You almost were a boy, my little cherry pip!
Queenie: What?
Nursie: Yeah! Out you popped out of your mummy's tum-kin, and everyone shouted 'It's a boy! It's a boy!' And then someone said 'But it hasn't got a winkle!' And then I said 'A boy without a winkle? God be praised, it's a miracle! A boy without a winkle!' And then Sir Thomas More pointed out that a boy without a winkle is a girl, and everyone was really disappointed.
E1: Bells

Blackadder: I seek information about a wise woman.
Young crone: The wise woman? The wise woman?
Blackadder: Yes, the wise woman.
Young crone: Two things, My Lord, must ye know of the wise woman: first, she... is... a woman! And the second, she... is...
Blackadder: Wise?
Young crone: You do know 'er, then?
Blackadder: No, just a wild stab in the dark, which is, incidentally, what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful.
E1: Bells

Melchett: Majesty, I bring grave intelligence of your former favourite, Lord Blackadder.
Queenie: Oh, good!
Melchett: It appears he wishes to marry a girl called Bob.
Queenie: That's a very odd name for a girl, isn't it? Girls are normally called Elizabeth... Or Mary...
Nursie: And Donald...
Queenie: Mouth is open, Nursie, should be shut!
Nursie: But it's true, sweet one! I had three sisters and they were called Donald, Eric and Basil!
Queenie: Then why is your name Nursie?
Nursie: That i'n't my real name.
Queenie: Isn't it?
Nursie: No.
Queenie: What is your real name, then?
Nursie: Heh, Bernard!
E1: Bells

(Baldrick is the bridesmaid at Blackadder's wedding.)
Flashheart: Thanks, bridesmaid. Like the beard. Gives me something to hang on to!
E1: Bells

Flashheart: And Melchie! (He proffers a handshake, only to pull away when Melchett reaches towards him.) Still worshipping God?
Melchett: My Lord.
Flashheart: Last thing I heard, He's started worshipping me!
E1: Bells

Fashheart: Woof! Nursie! I like it firm and fruity! Am I pleased to see you or did I just put a canoe in my pocket? (He addresses his crotch.) Down, boy! Down!
E1: Bells

(Flashheart's verdict on Blackadder's bride.)
Flashheart: She's got a tongue like an electric eel and she likes the taste of a man's tonsils!
E1: Bells

Blackadder: This is called 'adding'. If I have two beans, and then I add two more beans, what do I have?
Baldrick: Some beans.
Blackadder: Yes... And no... Let's try again, shall we? I have two beans, then I add two more beans. What does that make?
Baldrick: A very small casserole!
Blackadder: Baldrick, the ape-creatures of the Indus have mastered this. Now try again. One, two, three, four! So, how many are there?
Baldrick: Three...
Blackadder: What?
Baldrick: ...And that one!
Blackadder: Three, and that one. So if I add that one to the three, what will I have?
Baldrick: Oh! Some beans.
E2: Head

Melchett: Grey, I suspect, Your Majesty.
Queenie: I think you'll find it was orange, Lord Melchett.
Melchett: Grey is more usual, ma'am.
Queenie: Who's Queen?
Melchett: As you say, Majesty, there were these magnificent orange elephants...
E2: Head

Baldrick: Oh, dear sir, on a day like today, I feel proud to be a member of the greatest kingdom in the world!
Blackadder: And, doubtless, many other members of the animal kingdom feel the same way, Baldrick!
E3: Potato

Melchett: Blackadder, started talking to yourself, I see.
Blackadder: Yes, it's the only way I can be sure of intelligent conversation.
E3: Potato

Blackadder: So, Rum, I wish to hire you and your ship. Can we shake on it?
Captain Redbeard Rum: (He shakes Blackadder's hand.) Aaaaaaargh! You have a woman's hand, milord! I'll wager these dainty pinkies never weighed anchor in a storm.
Blackadder: Well, you're right, there.
Captain Redbeard Rum: (Laughs, and then suddenly grasps Blackadder's cheek.) Ooooorgh! You have a woman's skin, milord! I'll wager it ne'er felt the lash of the cat, been rubbed with salt and then flayed off by a pirate chief, to make fine stockings for his best cabin boy.
Blackadder: It's uncanny. I don't know how you do it, but you're right, again!
Captain Redbeard Rum: Why should I let a stupid cockle like you aboard me boat?
Blackadder: Perhaps for the money in my purse.
Captain Redbeard Rum: Huuuuurgh! You have a woman's purse, milord! I'll wager that purse has never been used as a rowing boat. I'll wager it's never had sixteen shipwrecked mariners tossing in it!
Blackadder: Yes. Well, right again, Rum! I must say, when it comes to tales of courage, I can see I'm going to have to keep my mouth shut!
Captain Redbeard Rum: Oh! You have a woman's mouth, milord! I'll wager that mouth never had to chew through the side of a ship to escape the dreadful spindly killer fish!
E3: Potato

Captain Redbeard Rum: Damn courtiers to the Queen! You're nothing but lapdogs to a slip of a girl!
Blackadder: Better a 'lapdog to a slip of a girl' than a... git!
E3: Potato

Melchett: Farewell, Blackadder. (He hands Blackadder a scroll.) The foremost cartographers of the land have prepared this for you: it's a map of the area that you'll be traversing.
(Blackadder unrolls the scroll and sees that it is completely blank!)
Melchett: They'll be very grateful if you could just fill it in as you go along.
E3: Potato

Percy: We're doomed! Doomed! Condemned to a watery grave with a captain who's legless!
Captain Redbeard Rum: Rubbish! I've hardly touched a drop!
Percy: No, no. I mean you haven't got any legs.
Captain Redbeard Rum: Oh, yes. (He looks down as though checking!) You're right, there. Carry on.
E3: Potato

(Blackadder's plan to go to France and only pretend to have sailed around the Cape of Good Hope leads to Captain Rum making a confession.)
Captain Redbeard Rum: Truth is, I don't know the way to the Cape of Good Hope, anyway.
Blackadder: Well, what were you going to do?
Captain Redbeard Rum: What I usually do: sail round and round the Isle of Wight till everyone gets dizzy and head for home.
E3: Potato

Blackadder: Bad news, m'lady: Rum is dead!
(Nursie starts bawling and crying.)
Percy: Do not despair, good woman. He died a hero's death, giving his life that his friends might live.
Blackadder: And that his enemies might have something to go with their potatoes.
Nursie: D'you mean they put him in the pot?
Blackadder: Yes. Your fiancé was only a third-rate sailor, but a first-rate second course!
E3: Potato

Bishop of Bath and Wells: I will have my money by evensong, tonight or... (He takes a deep breath.) YOUR BOTTOM WILL WISH IT HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!
E4: Money

Blackadder: The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the devil's own satanic herd!
E4: Money

Blackadder: I only didn't laugh out loud because I was afraid if I did, then my head would've fallen off.
Queenie: If you don't start soon, your head will fall off!
E4: Money

(Percy claims to have made gold.)
Percy: Behold!
Blackadder: Percy, it's green.
Percy: That's right, My Lord.
Blackadder: Yes, Percy, I don't want to be pedantic or anything, but the colour of gold is gold; that's why it's called 'gold'. What you have discovered, if it has a name, is some 'green'.
Percy: Oh, Edmund, can it be true? That I hold here, in my mortal hand, a nugget of purest green?
E4: Money

Blackadder: Baldrick, go forth into the streets and let it be known that Lord Blackadder wishes to sell his house. Percy, just go forth into the streets!
E4: Money

(Blackadder is showing his house to a couple of prospective buyers.)
Mrs. Pants: What about the privies?
Blackadder: When the master craftsman who created this home was looking at the sewage, he said to himself, 'Romeo,' - for 'twas his name - 'Romeo, let's make them functional and comfortable.'
Mr. Pants: Oh, well, that seems nice, doesn't it, dear?
Blackadder: I think we understand each other, sir. So, it's sold, then. (He pours a cup of wine.) Drink?
Mrs. Pants: (Unconvinced.) What about the privies?
Blackadder: Well, what we're talking about in 'privy terms' is the very latest in front-wall, fresh air orifices, combined with a wide-capacity gutter installation, below.
Mrs. Pants: You mean you crap out of the window?
Blackadder: Yes!
Mrs. Pants: Well, in that case, we'll definitely take it! I can't stand those dirty indoor things!
E4: Money

Bishop of Bath and Wells: You fiend! Never have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity! Have you ever considered a career in the church?
E4: Money

Percy: I must say, Edmund, it was jolly nice of you to ask me to share your breakfast before the rigours of the day begin!
Blackadder: Well, it is said, Percy, that civilised man seeks out good and intelligent company, so that through learned discourse, he may rise above the savage and closer to God.
Percy: (With his mouth full.) Yes, I heard that.
Blackadder: Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I'm best!
E5: Beer

Nursie: You're so clever today, you'd better be careful your foot doesn't fall off!
Queenie: Does that happen when you have lots of brilliant ideas? Your foot falls off?
Nursie: It certainly does. My brother, he had this brilliant idea of cutting his toenails with a scythe, and his foot fell off!
E5: Beer

Queenie: Oh, Edmund, I do love it when you get cross. Sometimes, I think about having you executed, just to see the expression on your face.
E5: Beer

Percy: (While trying to hold back a fit of giggles.) Well, My Lord, whilst Baldrick and I were preparing the turnip surprise, we had a surprise: we came across a turnip that was exactly the same shape as a 'thingy'!
Blackadder: A 'thingy'.
Baldrick: A great big 'thingy'! It was terrific!
Blackadder: Size is no guarantee of quality, Baldrick; most horses are very well-endowed, but that does not necessarily make them sensitive lovers. I trust this hilarious item has been removed?
Baldrick: Oh, yes, yes, My Lord.
Blackadder: Good! Because there's nothing more likely to stop an inheritance than a 'thingy'-shaped turnip!
Percy: Absolutely, Edmund. But it was jolly funny!
Blackadder: Yes, yes, yes.
Baldrick: I found it particularly ironic, My Lord, because I've got a 'thingy' that's shaped like a turnip!
Blackadder: Yes, all right.
Baldrick: I'm a great hit at parties.
Blackadder: (Irritated.) Are you?
Baldrick: Yeah, I hide in the vegetable rack and frighten the children!
E5: Beer

Blackadder: So, the plan is, when I call for my incredibly strong ale, you must pass me water in an ale bottle. Have you got that?
Baldrick: Yeah. When you call for ale, I pass water.
E5: Beer

Lady Whiteadder: Chair? You have chairs in your house?
Blackadder: Oh, yes.
Lady Whiteadder: (She slaps him on the face twice.) Wicked child! Chairs are an invention of Satan! In our house, Nathaniel sits on a spike!
Blackadder: And yourself?
Lady Whiteadder: I sit on Nathaniel! Two spikes would be an extravagance.
E5: Beer

Percy: Well, Lord Whiteadder... Er, a vow of silence? That's quite an interesting thing. Tell me about it.
E5: Beer

(During the dinner party with his puritan aunt and uncle, a guest from Blackadder's other party bursts in, and vomits in the fireplace.)
Monk: Great booze-up, Edmund!
(He makes an obscene farting noise and then leaves.)
Lady Whiteadder: Do you know that man?
Blackadder: No.
Lady Whiteadder: He called you 'Edmund'.
Blackadder: Oh, know him? Oh, yes, I do!
Lady Whiteadder: Then, can you explain what he meant by 'great booze-up'?
Blackadder: (He thinks long and hard before answering.) Yes, I can! My friend is a missionary and, on his last visit abroad, brought back with him the chief of a famous tribe. His name is Great Boo. He's been suffering from sleeping sickness, and he's obviously just woken, because as you heard, 'Great Boo's up'!
E5: Beer

Melchett: You twist and turn like a twisty turny thing!
E5: Beer

Queenie: I may have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach of a concrete elephant!
E5: Beer

(Queenie and Melchett look horrified as Blackadder shouts at them.)
Blackadder: Get out! Get out, libidinous swine! And take that whore-slut painted strumpet with you, where you'll both rot in the filth of your own fornication!
Queenie: ...And what did you say to him?
E6: Chains

Queenie: He's vanished. Simply vanished.
Percy: Like an old oak table...
Queenie: 'Vanished', Lord Percy, not 'varnished'.
Percy: Forgive me, my Lady, but my Uncle Bertram's old oak table completely vanished. 'Twas on the night of the Great Stepney Fire. And on that same terrible night, his house and all his other things completely vanished, too! So did he, in fact! 'Twas a most perplexing mystery.
Queenie: Lord Percy?
Percy: Yes?
Queenie: It's up to you: either you can shut up or you can have your head cut off.
Percy: (He takes a while to think about this!) I'll shut up.
E6: Chains

Pitt the Younger: You think you can thwart my plans to bankrupt the Prince by fixing the Dunny-On-The-Wold by-election, but you will be thrashed! I intend to put up my own brother as a candidate against you!
Blackadder: Oh, and which Pitt would this be? Pitt the Toddler? Pitt the Embryo? Pitt the Glint in the Milkman's Eye?
E1: Dish and Dishonesty

Blackadder: Right. Now, all we have to do is fill in this MP application form. 'Name: Baldrick'. First name?
Baldrick: Er, I'm not sure.
Blackadder: Well, you must have some idea.
Baldrick: Well, it might be 'Sod-Off'.
Blackadder: What?
Baldrick: Well, when I used to play in the gutter, I used to say to the other snipes 'Hello. My name's Baldrick', and they'd say 'Yes, we know. Sod off, Baldrick'.
E1: Dish and Dishonesty

Blackadder: Now, then, 'Criminal Record'...
Baldrick: Absolutely not!
Blackadder: Oh, come on, Baldrick! You're going to be an MP, for God's sake! I'll just put 'fraud and sexual deviancy'.
E1: Dish and Dishonesty

Vincent Hanna: Now, Ivor Biggun, no votes at all for the 'Standing at the Back, Dressed Stupidly and Looking Stupid' Party. Are you disappointed?
Ivor Biggun: Ah, no, not really, no. I always say 'If you can't laugh, what can you do?'. Ha ha ha ha!
Vincent Hanna: Take up politics, perhaps? Has your party got any policies?
Ivor Biggun: Oh, yes, certainly! We're for the compulsory serving of asparagus at breakfast, free corsets for the under-fives and the abolition of slavery.
Vincent Hanna: Now, you see, many moderate people would respect your stance on asparagus, but what about this extremist nonsense about abolishing slavery?
Ivor Biggun: Oh, we just put that in for a joke!
E1: Dish and Dishonesty
[Note: Vincent Hanna was an actual political reporter at the time this series was filmed.]

(Blackadder has been writing a novel under the name 'Gertrude Perkins'.)
Blackadder: I gave myself a female pseudonym. Everybody's doing it, these days: Mrs. Radcliffe, Jane Austen...
Baldrick: What? Jane Austen's a man?
Blackadder: Of course! A huge Yorkshireman with a beard like a rhododendron bush!
Baldrick: Oh, quite a small one, then.
Blackadder: Well, compared to Dorothy Wordsworth's, certainly. James Boswell is the only real woman writing, at the moment. And that's just because she wants to get inside Johnson's britches!
E2: Ink and Incapability

Dr. Johnson: Here it is, sir: the very cornerstone of English scholarship. This book, sir, contains every word in our beloved language.
Blackadder: Every single one, sir?
Dr. Johnson: Every single one, sir!
Blackadder: Oh. Well, in that case, sir, I hope you will not object if I also offer the doctor my most enthusiastic contrafibularities.
Dr. Johnson: What?
Blackadder: 'Contrafibularities', sir? It is a common word down our way.
Dr. Johnson: Damn! (Pulls out a quill and starts to make notes.)
Blackadder: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I'm anaspeptic, frasmotic, even compunctuous to have caused you such pericombobulations.
E2: Ink and Incapability

Blackadder: Baldrick, where's the manuscript?
Baldrick: You mean the big, papery thing tied up with string?
Blackadder: Yes, Baldrick! The manuscript belonging to Dr. Johnson!
Baldrick: You mean the baity fellow in the black coat who just left?
Blackadder: Yes, Baldrick, Dr. Johnson!
Baldrick: So you're asking where the big, papery thing tied up with string belonging to the baity fellow in the black coat who just left is?
Blackadder: Yes, Baldrick, I am! And if you don't answer, then the booted bony thing with five toes on the end of my leg will soon connect sharply with the soft, dangly collection of objects in your trousers! For the last time, Baldrick, where is Dr. Johnson's manuscript?
Baldrick: On the fire.
Blackadder: On the what?!
Baldrick: The hot, orangey thing under the stony mantlepiece.
E2: Ink and Incapability

Blackadder: Baldrick, believe me, eternity in the company of Beelzebub and all his hellish instruments of death will be a picnic compared to five minutes with me and this pencil, if we can't replace this dictionary!
E2: Ink and Incapability

Blackadder: Sir, I have been unable to replace the dictionary. I am therefore leaving immediately for Nepal, where I intend to live as a goat.
E2: Ink and Incapability

Blackadder: Baldrick, go to the kitchen and make me something quick and simple to eat, would you? Two slices of bread with something inbetween.
Baldrick: What? Like Gerald, Lord Sandwich, had the other day?
Blackadder: Yes. A few round of Geralds.
E2: Ink and Incapability

(Blackadder is trying to rewrite the dictionary, with some help...)
Blackadder: Baldrick, what have you done?
Baldrick: I've done 'C' and 'D'.
Blackadder: Right, let's have it, then.
Baldrick: Right. 'Big, blue, wobbly thing that mermaids live in'.
Blackadder: What's that?
Baldrick: 'C'.
Blackadder: Yes... Tiny misunderstanding. Still, my hopes weren't high. Now, what about 'D'?
Baldrick: I'm quite pleased with 'dog'.
Blackadder: Yes, and your definition of 'dog' is?
Baldrick: 'Not a cat'.
E2: Ink and Incapability

Blackadder: Sir, these are not the days of Alfred the Great. You can't just lop someone's head off and blame it on the Vikings.
E2: Ink and Incapability

(The dictionary wasn't burnt after all, and Prince George is reading it.)
Dr. Johnson: So, tell me, sir, what words particularly interested you?
Prince George: Oh, nothing, really. Anything, you know...
Dr. Johnson: Ah, I see you've underlined a few. (He takes the dictionary from George, flips through the pages and reads...) 'bloomers', 'bottom', 'burp'... 'fart', 'fiddle, 'fornicate'...
Prince George: Well...
Dr. Johnson: Sir, I hope you're not using the first English dictionary to look up rude words!
Blackadder: I wouldn't be too hopeful; that's what all the other ones will be used for.
E2: Ink and Incapability

(Blackadder's attempt at rewriting the dictionary never got further than 'aardvark'.)
Baldrick: Sir, I have a novel!
(Dr. Johnson takes the tiny scrap of paper from Baldrick and begins to read...)
Dr. Johnson: 'Once upon a time, there was a lovely little sausage called Bal-' Sausage? SAUSAGE?! Oh, blast your eyes!
(He screws the scrap of paper up, throws it to floor and storms out.)
Baldrick: Oh! Well, I didn't think it was that bad...
Blackadder: (Is reading through the dictionary.) I think you'll find he left 'sausage' out of his dictionary... Oh, and 'aardvark'.
E2: Ink and Incapability

Blackadder: You see, the ancient Greeks, sir, wrote in legend of a terrible container in which all the evils of the world were trapped. How prophetic they were. All they got wrong was the name; they called it 'Pandora's Box', when, of course, they meant 'Baldrick's Trousers'.
Baldrick: It certainly can get a bit whiffy, there's no doubt about that.
Blackadder: We are told that when the box was opened, the whole world turned to darkness because of Pandora's fatal curiosity. (He turns to address Baldrick.) I charge you now, Baldrick, for the good of all mankind: never allow curiosity to lead you to open your trousers. Nothing of interest lies therein.
E3: Nob and Nobility

Baldrick: I couldn't sleep when I was little.
Blackadder: You still are little, Baldrick.
Baldrick: Yeah, well, when I was even littler. See, we used to live in this haunted hovel. Every night, my family were troubled by a visitation from this disgusting ghoul. It was terrible. First there was this unholy smell, then this tiny, clammy, hairy creature would materialise in the bed between them. Fortunately, I could never see it, myself.
Blackadder: Yes. Tell me, Baldrick, when you left home, did this repulsive entity mysteriously disappear?
Baldrick: That very day.
Blackadder: I think, now, that the mystery is solved! Now, shut up! Either I think of an idea or tomorrow we meet our maker; in my case, God; in your case, God knows!
E3: Nob and Nobility

Baldrick: My Uncle Baldrick was in a play, once.
Blackadder: Really?
Baldrick: Yeah. It was called 'Macbeth'.
Blackadder: And what did he play?
Baldrick: Second codpiece. Macbeth wore him in the fight scenes.
Blackadder: So, he was a stunt codpiece.
Baldrick: Yes.
Blackadder: Did he have a large part?
Baldrick: Depends who was playing Macbeth.
E4: Sense and Senility

Keanrick: 'Lead on, Macduff...'
Mossop: I shall. Lest you continue in your quotation and mention the name of 'The Scottish Play'.
Keanrick: Oh, ho, ho, ho. Never fear. I shan't do that.
Blackadder: By 'The Scottish Play', I assume you mean 'Macbeth'.
Keanrick/Mossop: Aaaaagh! (They perform a 'pat-a-cake'-style routine and tweak each others' noses while chanting.) Hot potato, orchestra stalls! Puck will make amends! Agh!
Blackadder: What was that?
Keanrick: We were exorcising evil spirits. Being but a mere butler, you will not know the great theatre tradition that one does never speak the name of 'The Scottish Play'.
Blackadder: What, 'Macbeth'?
Keanrick/Mossop: Aaaaagh! (They chant and perform the 'pat-a-cake' routine.) Hot potato, orchestra stalls! Puck will make amends! Agh!
Blackadder: Good lord! You mean you have to do that every time I say 'Macbeth'?
Keanrick/Mossop: Aaaaagh! (Chanting and performing the 'pat-a-cake' routine.) Hot potato, orchestra stalls! Puck will make amends! Agh!
Mossop: Will you please stop saying that? Always call it 'The Scottish Play'!
Blackadder: So you want me to say 'The Scottish Play'?
Keanrick/Mossop: Yes!
Blackadder: Rather than 'Macbeth'?
Keanrick/Mossop: Aaaaagh! (Chanting and performing the 'pat-a-cake' routine.) Hot potato, orchestra stalls! Puck will make amends! Agh!
(Enter Prince George.)
Prince George: For heaven's sake, what is all this hullabaloo? All this shouting and screaming and yelling blue murder? Why, it's like that play we saw the other day. What was it called? Er...
Blackadder: 'Macbeth', sir?
Keanrick/Mossop: Aaaaagh! (Chanting and performing the 'pat-a-cake' routine.) Hot potato, orchestra stalls! Puck will make amends! Agh!
Prince George: No, no, no, no. It was called 'Julius Caesar'.
Blackadder: Oh, yes, of course. 'Julius Caesar'... Not 'Macbeth'!
Keanrick/Mossop: Aaaaagh! (Chanting and performing the 'pat-a-cake' routine.) Hot potato, orchestra stalls! Puck will make amends! Agh!
E4: Sense and Senility

(At the insistence of the actors, Prince George has assumed a 'heroic' pose that involves spreading his legs out.)
Keanrick: Why, your very posture tells me 'Here is a man of true greatness'.
Blackadder: Either that, or 'Here are my genitals. Please kick them'.
E4: Sense and Senility

(Baldrick is fawning over notorious highwayman 'The Shadow'.)
Baldrick: They say he's halfway to being the new Robin Hood.
Blackadder: Why only halfway?
Baldrick: Well, he steals from the rich, but he hasn't got round to giving it to the poor, yet.
E5: Amy and Amiability

(George wishes to woo a potential bride and Blackadder has suggested sending a love letter.)
Prince George: Well, take this down: 'From His Royal Highness, the Prince of Wales, to Miss Amy Hardwood. Tally ho, my fine, saucy young trollop! Your luck's in! Trip along here with all your cash and some naughty night attire, and you'll be staring at my bedroom ceiling from now till Christmas, you lucky tart! Yours, with the deepest respects, etcetera, signed, George. P.S. Woof, woof!' Well, what do you think?
Blackadder: It's very moving, sir. Would you mind if I changed just one tiny aspect of it?
Prince George: Which one?
Blackadder: The words.
E5: Amy and Amiability

Amy: I'm a delicate, tiny thing, myself. Weak, and silly, and like a little fluffy rabbit. So, I could never marry a horrible heffalump, or I might get squished.
E5: Amy and Amiability

Blackadder: I can see where your daughter gets her ready wit.
Mr. Hardwood: I thank you!
Blackadder: Although where she gets her good looks and charm is, perhaps, more of a mystery.
E5: Amy and Amiability

Blackadder: I come as emissary of the Prince of Wales with the most splendid news: he wants your daughter, Amy, for his wife.
Mr. Hardwood: Well, 'is wife can't 'ave 'er! Outrageous, sir, to come here with such a suggestion! Mind, sir, or I shall take off me belt and by thunder, me trousers'll fall down!
E5: Amy and Amiability

Blackadder: Baldrick, have you no idea what 'irony' is?
Baldrick: Yeah. It's like goldy and bronzy, only it's made of iron.
E5: Amy and Amiability

Blackadder: Mrs. M, if we were the last three humans on Earth, I'd be trying to start a family with Baldrick!
E5: Amy and Amiability

Blackadder: Oh, God! What a way to die: shot by a transvestite on an unrealistic grassy knoll!
E5: Amy and Amiability

Baldrick: I've been thinking of bettering myself.
Blackadder: Oh, really? How?
Baldrick: I applied for the job of Village Idiot of Kensington.
Blackadder: Oh? Get anywhere?
Baldrick: I got down to the last two, but I failed the final interview.
Blackadder: Oh, what went wrong?
Baldrick: I turned up. The other bloke was such an idiot, he forgot to.
E6: Duel and Duality

Blackadder: I want to be remembered when I'm dead; I want books written about me; I want songs sung about me. And then, hundreds of years from now, I want episodes from my life to be played out weekly at half-past nine by some great, heroic actor of the age.
Baldrick: Yeah, and I could be played by some tiny tit in a beard.
E6: Duel and Duality

Mad King George III: People may say I'm stark raving mad, and say the vord 'penguin' after each sentence, but ve, ve two can make Britain great: you as the Prince Regent, and I as King Penguin!
E6: Duel and Duality

(Blackadder is reading Baldrick's Christmas card.)
Blackadder: Be that as it may, 'A Merry Messy Christmas'! 'Christmas' has an 'H' in it, Mr. Baldrick. And an 'R'. Also an 'I' and an 'S'. Also a 'T', an 'M', an 'A' and another 'S'. Oh, and you've missed out the 'C' at the beginning! Congratulations, Mr. Baldrick. It's something of a triumph, I think: you must be the first person ever to spell 'Christmas' without getting any of the letters right, at all!
[Note: The closing credits reveals how Baldrick managed this amazing spelling feat. Highlight the following text if you wish to find out: he had, in fact, written 'A Merry Messy Kweznuz'!]

Baldrick: I've been helping out with the workhouse nativity play.
Blackadder: Oh, of course! How did it go?
Baldrick: Well, not very well! At the last moment, the baby playing Jesus died!
Blackadder: Oh, dear! This high infant mortality rate's a real devil when it comes to staging quality children's theatre! What did you do?
Baldrick: Got another Jesus!
Blackadder: Oh, thank goodness. And his name?
Baldrick: Spot. There weren't any more children, so we 'ad to settle for a dog, instead.
Blackadder: Oh, dear. I'm not convinced that Christianity would have established its firm grip of the hearts and minds of mankind if all Jesus had ever said was 'Woof!'.
Baldrick: Well, it went all right, till the shepherds came on. See, we 'adn't been able to get any real sheep, so we had to stick some wool...
Blackadder: ...On some other dogs.
Baldrick: Yeah! And the moment Jesus got a whiff of 'em, he's away! While the angel's singing 'Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Mankind', Jesus scampers across and tries to get one of the sheep to give 'im a piggyback ride!
Blackadder: Scarcely appropriate behaviour for the son of God, Mr. Baldrick. Weren't the children upset?
Baldrick: No, they loved it! They want us to do another one at Easter. They want to see us nail up the dog!
[Note: The punchline to this is often censored in most releases and broadcasts, nowadays.]

Blackadder: My best wishes to your massive offspring!

Beadle: Felicitous compliments of the gorging season to you, sir!

(The 'Blackadder II' segment.)
Blackadder: Baldrick, you wouldn't see a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord, singing 'Subtle Plans Are Here Again'.

Nursie: Pity about this, tinky-wink. You always used to love this time of year.
Queenie: I know... Leaving a little mince pie and a glass of wine out for Father Christmas, and then scoffing it, because I was a princess and could do what I bloody well like!
Nursie: And wondering if your father's wife would last till Boxing Day without having her head cut off.
Queenie: We knew if he gave her a hat, she'd probably be all right.

(The 'Blackadder the Third' segment.)
Prince George: Well, this is the stuff, eh? Christmas sherry and charades with honest, manly fellows! I mean, for heaven's sake, what can I do with a girl that I can't do with you, eh?
Blackadder: I cannot conceive, sir.

(Baldrick is first up for charades. He opens up his hands to indicate a book.)
Blackadder: It's a book.
Baldrick: Well done, Mr. B. I didn't think you'd get it that quickly!
Prince George: Yes, I say, 'Bladder', that was damn clever!
Blackadder: Yes, another great Christmas tradition: explaining the rules eight times to the 'Thicky Twins'. The round hasn't, in fact, started yet. It's got to be a specific book. For instance, if it was the Bible, then I'd go like that (He holds up two fingers.) to indicate that there are two syllables in it...
Prince George: Two what?!
Blackadder: Two syllables.
Prince George: Two 'silly bulls'? I don't think so, Blackadder. Not in the Bible! I can remember a fatted calf, but as I recall, that was quite a sensible animal. Oh, ah, ah! Is it, erm, er, Noah's Ark, with the, er, two pigs, two ants and two silly bulls?

(The 'Christmas Future' segment.)
Frondo: What news of the foul Marmidons?
Blackadder: Scattered to the nine vectors, My Lord.
Frondo: And the Sheep-Squeezers of Splaticon-5? Have they been suck-creamed as a Qvarnbeast's nubhole?
Blackadder: Well, they're dead, if that's what you mean.
Pigmott: But, Commander, did you vanquish the Nibble-Pibblies?
Blackadder: No, My Lord Pigmott. I did not vanquish the Nibble-Pibblies because you just made them up!
Queen Asphyxia: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Excellent, Commander. You have most pleasantly wibbled my frusset-pouch.

Frondo: Send him to the sprouting chamber!

Blackadder: So, let's get this straight: if I was bad, my descendents would rule the entire universe!
Spirit of Christmas: Maybe, maybe... But would you be happy? Being ruler of the universe isn't all it's cracked up to be! There's the long hours, having to wave at people the whole time... You're no longer your own boss!
Blackadder: But, but... So, what if I stayed good? What, then, does the future hold?
Spirit of Christmas: Ah, well, I really must put my foot down, here! I've got four hauntings and a scare-the-bugger-to-death to do before morning!

(The alternate 'Christmas Future'.)
Frondo: What news of the foul Marmidons?
Baldrick: Good news...
Queen Asphyxia: Excellent!
Baldrick: ...For the Marmidons! They wiped out our entire army! Sorry! I got a bit confused and dropped a bomb on our own lot!

Blackadder: So one way, it's glory everlasting; the other, it's wearing Baldrick's posing pouch!
Spirit of Christmas: Well, a little simplistic, but it does at least point a very clear lesson.
Blackadder: Namely?
Spirit of Christmas: Namely, that the rewards of virtue are largely spiritual, but all the better for it!
Blackadder: You don't think it points the very clear lesson that bad guys have all the fun?

(George shows Blackadder his paintings.)
Blackadder: George, these are brilliant! Why didn't you tell us about these before?
George: Phew, well, you know, one doesn't like to blow one's own trumpet.
Blackadder: Well, you might at least have told us you had a trumpet!
E1: Captain Cook

(A twist on a classic nursery rhyme!)
George/Melchett: Row, row, row your punt/Gently down the stream/Belts off, trousers down/Isn't life a scream? Hey!
E1: Captain Cook

Blackadder: Now, where the hell are we?
George: (Looks at his map.) Well, it's a bit difficult to say. We appear to have crawled into an area marked with mushrooms.
Blackadder: What do those symbols denote?
George: That we're in a field of mushrooms?
Blackadder: Lieutenant, that is a military map. It is unlikely to list interesting flora and fungi! Look at the key and you'll discover that those mushrooms aren't for picking.
George: Good Lord! You're quite right, sir. It says 'mine'. So, these mushrooms must belong to the man who made the map.
Blackadder: Either that, or we're in the middle of a minefield.
Baldrick: Oh dear...
George: So, he owns the field as well!
E1: Captain Cook

(During Blackadder's trial, George calls Baldrick as a witness.)
Blackadder: Deny everything, Baldrick.
(Baldrick approaches the stand.)
George: Are you Private Baldrick?
Baldrick: No!
George: Oh, erm... But you are Captain Blackadder's batman?
Baldrick: No!
George: Come on, Baldrick, be a bit more helpful. It's me!
Baldrick: No, it isn't!
E2: Corporal Punishment

(Melchett is preparing for his date with 'Georgina', with the help of Darling.)
Melchett: I know exactly what I'll say to her: 'Darling...'
Darling: Yes, sir?
Melchett: What?
Darling: Erm, I don't know sir.
Melchett: Well, don't butt in!
Darling: Sorry, sir.
Melchett: (Sighs) 'I want to make you happy, darling.'
Darling: Well, that's very kind of you, sir.
Melchett: Will you kindly stop interrupting?! If you don't listen, how can you tell me what you think? 'I want to make you happy, darling. I want to build a nest for your ten tiny toes. I want to cover every inch of your gorgeous body in pepper, and then sneeze all over you!'
Darling: Really, sir! I must protest!
Melchett: What is the matter with you, Darling?!
Darling: Well, it's just all so sudden, sir! I mean, the nest bit's fine, but the pepper business is definitely out!
Melchett: How dare you tell me how I may or may not treat my beloved Georgina?!
Darling: Georgina?
Melchett: Yes! I'm working out what I want to say to her, this evening!
Darling: Oh, yes. Of course. Thank God!
Melchett: All right?
Darling: Yes, sir. Listening, sir.
Melchett: Honestly, Darling. You really are the most graceless, dimwitted bumpkin I ever met!
Darling: Well, I don't think you should say that to her, sir!
E3: Major Star

Flashheart: Mind if I use your phone? If word gets out that I'm missing, 500 girls will kill themselves! I wouldn't want them on my conscience, not when they ought to be on my face!
E4: Private Plane

George: My God!
Flashheart: Yes, I suppose I am!
E4: Private Plane

Flashheart: The first thing to remember is: always treat your kite like you treat your woman!
George: How do you mean, sir? Do you mean, erm... Do you mean take her home at the weekend to meet your mother?
Flashheart: No! I mean get inside her five times a day and take her to heaven and back!
E4: Private Plane

(Blackadder has been captured behind enemy lines, and the German soldier is giving him a message from the Red Baron.)
Blackadder: And what is your message?
German soldier: It is 'Prepare for a fate worse than death, English flying fellow'.
Blackadder: Oh. So, it's the traditional warm German welcome.
German soldier: Correct. Also, he is saying 'Do not try to escape, or you will suffer even worse'.
Blackadder: A fate worse than a fate worse than death? That's pretty bad.
E4: Private Plane

Blackadder: Flashheart, this is Captain Darling.
Flashheart: Captain Darling?! Funny name for a guy, isn't it? Last person I called 'darling' was pregnant twenty seconds later!
E4: Private Plane

Blackadder: I spy with my bored little eye, something beginning with 'T'.
Baldrick: Breakfast!
Blackadder: What?
Baldrick: My breakfast always begins with tea, then I have a little sausage, then an egg with some little soldiers.
Blackadder: Baldrick, when I said it begins with 'T', I was talking about a letter.
Baldrick: No, it never begins with a letter! The postman don't come till 10:30.
Blackadder: I can't go on with this! George, take over!
George: All right, sir. Erm... I spy with my little eye, something beginning with 'R'!
Baldrick: Army!
Blackadder: For God's sake, Baldrick! 'Army' starts with an 'A'! He's looking for something that starts with an 'R'! Rrrrrrrr...
Baldrick: Motorbike!
Blackadder: What?
Baldrick: A motorbike starts with a 'rrrrrrrrr...'!
E5: General Hospital

(Captain Darling has been accused of being a German spy, on the grounds that he 'pooh-poohed' Blackadder.)
Melchett: Is this true, Blackadder? Did Captain Darling pooh-pooh you?
Blackadder: Well, perhaps a little.
Melchett: Well, then, damn it all! What more evidence do you need? The pooh-poohing alone is a court-martial offence!
Blackadder: I can assure you, sir, that the pooh-poohing was purely circumstantial.
Melchett: Well, I hope so, Backadder. You know, if there's one thing I've learnt from being in the Army, it's 'never ignore a pooh-pooh'. I knew a major; got pooh-poohed; made the mistake of ignoring the pooh-pooh. He pooh-poohed it! Fatal error! 'Cause it turned out all along that the soldier who'd pooh-poohed him had been pooh-poohing a lot of other officers, who'd pooh-poohed their pooh-poohs. In the end, we had to disband the regiment. Morale totally destroyed... By pooh-pooh!
E5: General Hospital

(Blackadder's plan to get out of the 'big push', involving him wearing a pair of pants on his head and sticking two pencils up his nose.)
Blackadder: Right, Baldrick. This is an old trick I picked up in the Sudan: we tell H.Q. that I've gone insane and I will be invalided back to Blighty before you can say 'wibble'! A poor, gormless idiot!
Baldrick: But I'm a poor, gormless idiot, sir, and I've never been invalided back to Blighty.
Blackadder: Yes, Baldrick, but you never said 'wibble'. Now, ask me some simple questions.
Baldrick: Right. What is your name?
Blackadder: Wibble!
Baldrick: What is two plus two?
Blackadder: Oh, wibble, wibble!
Baldrick: Where do you live?
Blackadder: London.
Baldrick: Eh?
Blackadder: A small village on Mars, just outside the capital city, Wibble!
E6: Goodbyeee

(Baldrick's war poem.)
Baldrick: Hear the words I sing/War's a horrid thing/So I sing, sing, sing/Ding-a-ling-a-ling.
E6: Goodbyeee

(He has another one!)
Baldrick: This one is called 'The German Guns'.
George: Oh, spiffing! Yes, let's hear that!
Baldrick: Boom, boom, boom, boom/Boom, boom, boom/Boom, boom! Boom, boom...
Blackadder: Boom, boom, boom?!
Baldrick: How did you guess, sir?!
E6: Goodbyeee

George: I'd just arrived and we had that wonderful Christmas truce, do you remember, sir? We could hear 'Silent Night' drifting across the still, clear air of No Man's Land. And then they came, the Germans, emerging out of the freezing night mist, calling to us. And we clambered up over the top and went to meet them.
Blackadder: Both sides advanced more during one Christmas piss-up than they managed in the next two and a half years of war!
Baldrick: D'you remember the football match?
Blackadder: Remember it? How could I forget it? I was never offside! I could not believe that decision!
E6: Goodbyeee