(Elizabeth is trying to open Hyacinth's front door.)
Hyacinth: It's a security latch. There's a little button. Richard had it installed to protect me from anyone desperate.
Elizabeth: They would have to be!
S1 E1: Daddy's Accident

Richard: How's your father?
Hyacinth: I rang, the ward sister answered. She says he's sitting up and beginning to take an interest.
Richard: Oh, that's good!
Hyacinth: ...In the physiotherapist!
S1 E1: Daddy's Accident

Hyacinth: (On the phone.) You need how much, Sheridan?! ...For what? ...You've joined an organisation? Well, that's nice, dear. Making friends. What kind of an organisation? Is it like a club? A golf club? ...Not a golf club. I see, just a group of friends. ...You call yourselves what, dear? ...'The Sword of the People'? Now, do be careful, Sheridan. Make sure they're not too sharp. ...And always wear a mask. ...You do wear masks. Oh, that's very sensible. ...You'll pay Daddy back when? ...When you've robbed your first bank?!
S1 E1: Daddy's Accident

Hyacinth: I warned Rose that her way of life would, one day, lead to tragedy. Nobody can show that amount of leg and expect to be guided supernaturally.
S1 E3: Stately Home

Hyacinth: I will not be filmed emerging from a hippy caravanette!
S1 E6: The Christening

(Hyacinth is inspecting the milk bottle.)
Milkman: Is there something wrong, Mrs. Buck- 'Bouquet'?
Hyacinth: It seems all right, but in future, I want you to be quite sure that I get my own bottles back. I know that mine have been properly washed, you see, and I can't be quite sure about other bottles. So, please inform the people at the depot that I want my own bottles back.
Milkman: All the bottles are sterilised, Mrs. Buck- 'Bouquet'. The milk's pasteurised.
Hyacinth: It's a matter of complete indifference to me whether it's sterilised, pasteurised, immunised or privatised!
S2 E1: A Strange Man

Hyacinth: Sheridan used to love to hear his mummy sing; even as a tiny child, when I sang, it could reduce him to tears.
S2 E5: Problems with Relatives

Hyacinth: I've just been insulted on my own telephone!
Richard: I expect the opportunities are rare being insulted on other people's.
S2 E7: Singing for Emmet

Hyacinth: Richard, you know I love my family, but that's no reason why I should have to acknowledge them in broad daylight!
S2 E9: The Three-Piece Suite

Richard: More Christmas cards? Are they genuine or are they more of those you've written to yourself?
Hyacinth: I regard it as a service to those people who may have misplaced my address. I'm sure they'd like to think they'd sent me a card.
1991 Christmas Special: The Father Christmas Suit

Hyacinth: They are my family, and I love them dearly... Especially at this time of year when it gets dark early!
1991 Christmas Special: The Father Christmas Suit

Hyacinth: Oh, yes, and another thing: I'm still waiting for an answer to my query.
Milkman: What query was that, Mrs. Bucket? 'Bouquet'...
Hyacinth: I wanted your superiors to find out which cow my milk comes from. I will not have my bottles coming from just any old animal! We passed a very photogenic herd, recently, grazing on the Earl of Crawford's estate. Would you please ensure that in future, my two pints daily come from them?
S3 E1: Early Retirement

Hyacinth: I've invited Mrs. Henderson. You'll like Mrs. Henderson. One of the Hendersons.
Elizabeth: 'The Hendersons'?
Hyacinth: Yes, dear, those Hendersons. The frozen food people. They say he's a millionaire, and all from dead chickens! Of course, I'm not one to be impressed merely by money, but I just happen to know that he's looking for someone to work with him in a senior capacity, and of course, my Richard would be ideally qualified.
Elizabeth: With dead chickens?! I can't see Richard being very happy with dead chickens!
Hyacinth: Oh no, dear. I don't think he'd actually be handling them. No, no! Richard would wear a suit and do something executive.
Elizabeth: Can one do anything executive with dead chickens?
Hyacinth: Well, he's done it with the council all these years!
S3 E1: Early Retirement

Onslow: Listen, Rose! If you're going to start coming in 'ere at the crack of dawn, the least you could do is bring breakfast!
Rose: But you never eat breakfast!
Daisy: That's only because he tends to stay in bed till dinnertime.
Onslow: On principle, I've got nothing against breakfast. I'd eat breakfast if somebody brought it, wouldn't I? It's not against my religion or anything.
Rose: What is against your religion?
Daisy: Getting up before dinnertime! (She laughs.)
Onslow: I notice you're still in bed.
Daisy: A wife's place is beside her husband.
S3 E1: Early Retirement

(Daisy is once again reading a romance novel.)
Onslow: Why d'you keep reading stuff like that?
Daisy: Because it's me last foothold in romance! I get very little practice, at least I can keep abreast with theory!
S3 E3: Violet's Country Cottage

Hyacinth: If there's one thing I can't stand, it's snobbery and one-upmanship! People who try to pretend they're superior. Makes things so much harder for those of us who really are!
S3 E4: How To Go On Holiday Without Really Trying

Daisy: Haven't you been home since last night?!
Rose: No! But I'd have come straight home if I'd realised.
Daisy: Realised what?
Rose: Well, that he meant it! 'Would I like to pop in and see his model aeroplanes?' he said. Go on, ask me. Anything about model aeroplanes!
S3 E4: How To Go On Holiday Without Really Trying

Onslow: I'm sitting 'ere, completely surrounded by no beer!
S3 E7: What to Wear When Yachting

Hyacinth: I hope that's a first-class stamp. I object to having second-class stamps thrust through my letterbox! I should've thought postmen would be trained to recognise first-class stamp houses.
S4 E1: A Job for Richard

(Rose is wearing a suit that, while smart, also shows off her legs and chest.)
Rose: How do I look?
Daisy: For doing what?
Rose: For selling costume jewellery, door-to-door. Am I dressed properly for business?
Onslow: You could get arrested for that kind of business!
S4 E1: A Job for Richard

Hyacinth: Listen, Daisy, tell Onslow to put a shirt on while I'm on the telephone. I can always sense him, there... expanding.
S4 E1: A Job for Richard

Elizabeth: Now, when she rings, it's just a question of being quite firm and giving her my excuse. I've forgotten my excuse. (She reads from a piece of paper.) 'I'm sorry, Hyacinth, but I can't enjoy coffee with you, this morning. I have an appointment with my solicitor'. 'Can't enjoy coffee with you, this morning. I have an appointment with my solicitor'. Right. (She puts the paper down and recalls the excuse from memory.) 'I'm so sorry, Hyacinth, but I can't enjoy coffee with you, this morning. I have an appointment with my solicitor'. (The phone rings. Elizabeth answers.) Hello? ...No, no, no! I'm afraid I can't. ...No! Not this morning! I'm soliciting!
S4 E2: Country Retreat

Hyacinth: Come along, Richard! Don't just stand there having your mid-life crisis!
S4 E2: Country Retreat

(Rose is writing her memoirs.)
Rose: 'Ow do you spell 'virgin'? Is it 'E-R' or 'I-R'?
Onslow: (To Daisy.) Is she going back that far?!
S4 E2: Country Retreat

Richard: We're looking for a little country cottage. You'll buy something huge! I know you will! You'll buy something we can't afford!
Hyacinth: What have I ever presented you with that we can't afford?
Richard: Well, Sheridan, for a start.
S4 E5: Looking at Properties

Postman: Good morning!
Emmet: Yes, isn't it? The birds are singing... Thank God only the birds are singing!
S4 E6: Please Mind Your Head

(Onslow recalls that Daisy had made a startling confession during their honeymoon.)
Daisy: I thought it was only proper, if we were starting married life, we shouldn't have any secrets.
Onslow: But what a time to spring it on a bloke! On 'is wedding night! I'd only got started on all your new underwear and then you told me!
Daisy: I thought it was a bit much you getting straight up and going out for a long walk.
Onslow: I had to think about things. I had to decide if I could live with it.
Daisy: I can't think what was so bad about it!
Onslow: You should've come clean about it before we got married!
Daisy: You wouldn't have married me.
Onslow: You were lucky I didn't divorce you!
Daisy: It's not grounds for divorce.
Onslow: Being a Liverpool supporter?!
S4 E7: Let There Be Light

Hyacinth: Ah, there you are, Vicar!
Vicar: (Under his breath to his wife.) I'm outside a church. Why does she sound surprised?
S5 E1: The Senior Citizens' Outing

(Onslow, Daisy and Rose go to report Daddy's disappearance to the police.)
Desk Sergeant: How would you describe him?
Rose: Old.
Daisy: Confused.
Onslow: Flaming nuisance!
Desk Sergeant: What does he look like, this 'flaming nuisance'?
Daisy: How would you say, our Rose?
Rose: Well, our Hyacinth always says 'distinguished'. He looks distinguished!
Onslow: He looks like a barmpot!
Daisy: A distinguished barmpot.
S5 E1: The Senior Citizens' Outing

Onslow: What're you looking at me for?
Daisy: I like looking at you. I like sitting here and thinking 'It's all mine! IT'S ALL MINE!'
S5 E2: The Mayor's Fancy Dress Ball

(Hyacinth is, once again, on the phone to Sheridan.)
Hyacinth: ...And Mummy's been thinking about you, again, this morning. I was clearing out a drawer, and I found your first little sewing kit. It brought a tear to Mummy's eye.
Richard: Brought a tear to mine; I sat on the damn thing!
S5 E2: The Mayor's Fancy Dress Ball

Hyacinth: I want you to be the first to know, Elizabeth: I'm going to be alarmed!
Elizabeth: Oh, you needn't be alarmed, Hyacinth! I haven't touched it, yet.
Hyacinth: No, dear! Richard is going to alarm me for our wedding anniversary. (She offers a plate to Elizabeth.) Biscuit?
Elizabeth: (Takes one.) Oh, thank you. Well, you have to admire his spirit after all these years.
Hyacinth: It's his surprise for me.
Elizabeth: To alarm you for your wedding anniversary?
Hyacinth: Yes! He's getting a firm of specialists in to do it!
S5 E3: Hyacinth is Alarmed

Hyacinth: I wish you'd smile more when you're gardening, Richard. (She mimes spraying weedkiller, snipping plants and making a big smile, as if to demonstrate.)
Richard: If I do that, they're gonna lock me away!
Hyacinth: Try to look as though you're enjoying it, dear.
Richard: I don't particularly enjoy it. It's just something that has to be done.
Hyacinth: Well, that's how it appears.
Richard: The garden looks well enough!
Hyacinth: Oh, it's not the garden, dear; it's you! You look as though you're not enjoying doing it, which gives the impression that we can't afford a gardener.
Richard: We can't afford a gardener!
Hyacinth: Sssh, Richard! Keep your voice down, dear! If we can't afford a gardener, that's all the more reason why we should look as though we can afford a gardener. So, in future, could you look like someone who enjoys doing his own gardening, but could afford a gardener if he wanted to?
S5 E5: Skis

Rose: Do you think there's life after death?
Daisy: I hope so. There's not that much before!
S5 E5: Skis

(Emmet's verdict on Hyacinth.)
Emmet: Frankenstein created a monster... And it sings!
S5 E5: Skis

(The vicar is pleased at lasting a week without an encounter with Hyacinth.)
Vicar: It's too good to last, of course, but it's been refreshing... (He takes a sip of tea.) Which is more than I can say for this tea!
Vicar's wife: I know. Isn't it awful?
Vicar: Well, why do we buy it?
Vicar's wife: We don't. The Ladies' Circle gets it for us at a discount.
Vicar: Oh, isn't that marvellous? To realise that in the eyes of my flock, I'm associated with the utmost in economy! I think they only keep a vicar 'cause we're cheaper than most domestic animals.
Vicar's wife: They like you!
Vicar: Not judging by this tea, they don't!
S5 E5: Skis

Richard: Why does Sheridan need £70?
Hyacinth: At that age, they always need £70.
Richard: Ever since I can remember, he's been 'at that age'!
Hyacinth: Yes, it's true, he matured very early.
Richard: Even in the Cubs, he had more equipment than the S.A.S.!
Hyacinth: How it breaks a mummy's heart to see her son go off in uniform.
Richard: To the Cub Scouts?! For two hours on a Wednesday?
S5 E7: The Boy Friend

Daisy: I've been wanting to talk to you, privately; it's about Onslow.
Hyacinth: I warned you, Daisy, not to marry him!
Daisy: I like being married to him!
Hyacinth: I think you're so brave, dear.
Daisy: It's just that... we don't seem to be... you know... as 'close' as we used to be. I was wondering if, er, you and Richard were still, you know... as 'close' as you used to be.
Hyacinth: Oh, yes, of course! Absolutely! I think Richard and I are the perfect pair! I can't think of a couple I admire more!
Daisy: I think that's nice. How do you keep his, er, attention?
Hyacinth: Oh, just raise your voice, dear!
S5 E7: The Boy Friend

(Onslow is curious about Richard and Hyacinth's relationship.)
Onslow: Just between you and me, how d'ya handle things when she gets a bit, you know, 'friendly'?
Richard: 'Friendly'?! Hyacinth runs a very clean establishment, but I wouldn't call it 'friendly'.
Onslow: What would you do if, in the middle of the night, you suddenly felt a friendly arm around you?
Richard: I'd get straight up. I'd know I was in the wrong bed!
S5 E7: The Boy Friend

(The vicar has been caught hiding from Hyacinth, with some girls!)
Vicar: Er, look, why are you making such fuss?
Vicar's wife: You think under the stage, in the pitch dark, with three girls is really appropriate for a vicar?
Vicar: Well, darkness is clerical territory.
Vicar's wife: You're supposed to fight it, not join it!
S5 E8: A Barbeque at Violet's

Daisy: I've been thinking, we ought to do something about our bathroom at home.
Rose: Well, we could get some frosted glass for the window. I'm sure that bloke across the street never used to wear glasses like that.
Daisy: He's always worn glasses.
Rose: With zoom lenses?
S5 E9: The Rolls-Royce