(Holly is reciting the Captain's reports on the Red Dwarf staff.)
Holly: 'There's a saying amongst the officers: If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well. If it's not worth doing, give it to Rimmer!'
S1 E4: Waiting for God

(Lister has just realised that the cat-people worshipped him as a God named 'Cloister'.)
Cat: Listen, you stupid monkey, Cloister's another name for... for God!
Lister: That's what I'm saying! I am your God!
Cat: OK. Turn this into a woman. (He indicates towards a bowl of cereal.)
Lister: I'm serious!
Cat: So am I!
S1 E4: Waiting for God

Lister: Holly, if there's something that you want...
Holly: Well, only if you're not busy. Would you mind erasing some of my memory bank?
Lister: What for?
Holly: Well, if you erase all the Agatha Christie novels from my memory bank, I can read 'em again, tonight.
Lister: How do I do it?
(Lister types in the commands as Holly explains.)
Holly: Just type in 'HOLMEM', password override, 'THE NOVELS: CHRISTIE AGATHA', then press erase.
(Lister finishes typing the commands.)
Lister: I've done it!
Holly: Done what?
Lister: Erased Agatha Christie.
Holly: Who's she, then?
Lister: Holly, you just asked me to erase all Agatha Christie novels from your memory!
Holly: Why should I do that? I've never heard of her!
Lister: You've never heard of her because I've just erased her from your smeggin' memory!
Holly: Whatcha do that for?
Lister: You asked me to!
Holly: When?
Lister: Just now!
Holly: I don't remember this.
S1 E5: Confidence and Paranoia

(Holly has just told Lister that there some ships tracking them down.)
Holly: They're from Earth.
Lister: That's three million years away!
Holly: They're from the Norweb Federation.
Lister: What's that?
Holly: The North-Western Electricity Board. They want you, Dave.
Lister: Me? Why? What for?
Holly: For your crimes against humanity.
Lister: You what?!
Holly: Seems when you left Earth three million years ago, you left two half-eaten German sausages on a plate in your kitchen.
Lister: Did I?
Holly: Do you know what happens to sausages left unattended for three million years?
Lister: Yeah, they go mouldy.
Holly: Your sausages, Dave, now cover seven eighths of the Earth's surface. Also, you left seventeen pounds fifty pence in your bank account. Thanks to compound interest, you now own 98% of all the world's wealth. And because you've hoarded it for three million years, nobody's got any money, except for you and Norweb.
Lister: Why Norweb?
Holly: You left a light on in the bathroom. I've got a final demand, here, for one hundred and eighty billion pounds.
Lister: A hundred and eighty billion pounds?! You're kidding!
(Holly suddenly appears to be wearing a pair of comedy glasses with fake nose and moustache.)
Holly: April Fool!
Lister: But it's not April!
Holly: Yeah, I know. But I could hardly wait six months with a red hot jape like that under me belt!
S1 E6: Me2

(The gang meet Kryten for the first time. It turns out the crew he's been serving died years ago and he never noticed.)
Kryten: Anything the matter?
Rimmer: 'Anything the matter'? They're dead!
Kryten: Who's dead?
Rimmer: (He points at the skeletons as he talks.) They are dead! They're all dead!
Kryten: My god! Well, I was only away two minutes!
S2 E1: Kryten

Lister: Drop dead, Rimmer!
Rimmer: Already have done.
Lister: Encore!
S2 E1: Kryten

(Rimmer is complaining about the skutters.)
Lister: They only do what you tell them to.
Rimmer: Ah, but they don't, do they? You say 'Keep an eye on that lamb', and they do! They sit there for three hours and watch it burn!
S2 E2: Better Than Life

Lister: I remember when my dad died, you know. I was only six. I got loads of presents off everyone like it was Christmas. I remember wish- I remember wishing a couple of more people would die so I could complete me Lego set!
S2 E2: Better Than Life

Cat: 'Ey, man, I'm so hungry, I just have to eat!
Lister: Ssshh! Rimmer's dad's died!
Cat: ...I prefer chicken!
S2 E2: Better Than Life

(It's Rimmer's 'deathday', and Lister has baked him a cake. It's in an odd shape.)
Holly: What's that, then?
Lister: It's in the shape of a spanner, Holly, because he was a technician!
Holly: Oh, that's very apt, that is. If he'd have been a postman, you'd have baked it in the shape of an envelope, I suppose.
Lister: Yeah!
Holly: Gordon Bennett! Lucky he's not a gynaecologist!
S2 E3: Thanks for the Memory

Rimmer: You are a total... total... A word has yet to be invented to describe how totally whatever-it-is you are, but you are one! And a total, total one at that!
S2 E5: Queeg

(Benefits and drawbacks of a backwards-moving planet.)
Rimmer: I'm telling you, things are better this way. It's our universe that's the wrong way around!
Kryten: Take war. War is a wonderful thing, here. In fifty years' time, the second World War will start, backwards!
Cat: And that's a good thing?
Kryten: Millions of people will come to life! Hitler will retreat across Europe, liberate France and Poland, disband the Third Reich and bog off back to Austria!
Rimmer: We're smash hits, here! We'd be crazy to leave.
Lister: Rimmer, we don't belong here! This place is crazy!
Rimmer: Crazy? Death, disease, famine... There's none of that, here.
Kryten: There's no crime. The first night we were here, a mugger jumped us and forced fifty pounds into my wallet at knifepoint!
Lister: OK, OK! But look at the flipside of the coin; it's not all good. Take someone like, say, St. Francis of Assisi. In this universe, he's the petty-minded little sadist who goes around maiming small animals! Or Santa Claus! What a bastard!
Rimmer: Eh?
Lister: He's the big fat git who sneaks down chimneys and steals all the kids' favourite toys!
S3 E1: Backwards

Rimmer: Erm, I think we're all beginning to lose sight of the real issue, here, which is what are we gonna call ourselves? Erm, and I think it comes down to a choice between 'The League Against Salivating Monsters' or my own personal preference, which is the 'Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society'. Erm, one drawback with that: the abbreviation is C.L.I.T.O.R.I.S..
S3 E3: Polymorph

Lister: How do we switch it off?
Holly: The only person who can override the auto-destruct is the captain.
Rimmer: Dead.
Holly: Or one of the senior officers.
Rimmer: Dead.
Holly: I s'pose in many ways, I should've updated the system, really.
S3 E4: Bodyswap

Rimmer: Think of something, please. You're supposed to have an I.Q. of 6,000, think of something!
Holly: I'm thinkin'!
Auto-destruct system: Self-destruct in 8 minutes and counting.
Rimmer: Well?
Holly: I bin through the whole of my database, collated every single option, and there are three realistic alternatives: one, sit 'ere and get blown up; two, stand 'ere and get blown up; three, jump up and down, shout at me for not being able to think of anything, then get blown up!
S3 E4: Bodyswap

(After the auto-destruct countdown, the vending machine finally dispenses Lister's order.)
Cat: What happened?
Kryten: It must've been wired up to the warning system, but not the bomb.
Rimmer: So where's the bomb?
Holly: We haven't got a bomb.
Rimmer: What?!
Holly: I got rid of it ages ago.
Cat: Why didn't you say?
Holly: You never asked!
S3 E4: Bodyswap

(Kryten is about to shut down in accordance with his programming. He's taking it well...)
Kryten: It's not the end for me, sir; it's just the beginning. I have served my human masters and now I can look forward to my reward in Silicon Heaven.
Lister: Silicon what?
Kryten: Surely, you've heard of Silicon Heaven?
Lister: Has it got anything to do with being stuck opposite Brigitte Nielsen in a packed lift?
Kryten: No! It's the electronic afterlife! It's the gathering place for the souls of all electrical equipment: robots, calculators, toasters, hairdryers... It's our final resting place.
Lister: I don't mean to say anything out-of-place here, Kryten, but that is completely whacko-jacko! There is no such thing as Silicon Heaven.
Kryten: Oh, then where do all the calculators go?
Lister: They don't go anywhere! They just die!
Kryten: But, surely you believe that God is in all things. Aren't you a pantheist?
Lister: Yeah, but I just don't think it applies to kitchen utensils; I'm not a frying pantheist!
S3 E6: The Last Day

(Kryten has been turned human and seems to be having difficulties adapting to his new body.)
Kryten: My nipples don't work.
Lister: In what way 'don't work'?
Kryten: Well, when I was a mechanoid, the right nipple nut was used to regulate body temperature, while the left nipple nut was used mainly to pick up short-wave radio transmissions. Now, what I'm saying is, no matter how hard I twiddle it, I can't seem to pick up Jazz FM!
S4 E2: D.N.A.

(Kryten later asks to discuss his new human penis. He gives Lister a photograph of it.)
Kryten: Well?
Lister: W-well what?
Kryten: Well, what do you think?
Lister: I'm not quite with you, here, Kryten. What am I supposed to say?
Kryten: I want to know, is that normal?
Lister: What? Taking photographs of it and showing it to your mates? No, it's not!
S4 E2: D.N.A.

Lister: You shouldn't be getting erotic thoughts about electrical appliances.
Kryten: It was a triple-bag, easy-glide vac with turbo suction and a self-emptying dustbag!
Lister: Kryt, I don't care what model it was! No vacuum cleaner should give a human being a 'double Polaroid'!
S4 E2: D.N.A.

(Fun at Rimmer's trial.)
Kryten: I call my first witness!
(Kryten urges Lister to the stand.)
Kryten: Name?
Lister: Dave Lister.
Kryten: Occupation?
Lister: (He thinks for a moment before answering.) Er, bum!
Kryten: Would you describe the accused as a friend?
Cat: Take the fifth!
Kryten: Now, please answer the question. Remember, you are under polygraphic surveillance. Would you describe the accused as a friend?
Lister: Nah, I'd describe the accused as a git.
Kryten: Who would you say, then, is the person who thinks of him most fondly?
Lister: ...I do!
Kryten: Hmm. And are there no others who've shared moments of intimacy with him?
Lister: Only one, but she's got a puncture!
S4 E3: Justice

Kryten: I ask the court one key question: would the Space Corps ever have allowed this man to be in a position of authority where he might endanger the entire crew? A man so petty and small-minded, he would while away his evenings sewing name labels onto his ship-issue condoms! A man of such awesome stupidity...
Rimmer: Objection!
Justice computer: Objection overruled.
Kryten: ...A man of such awesome stupidity, he even objects to his own defence counsel!
S4 E3: Justice

Kryten: Who would permit this man - this joke of a man, this man who could not outwit a used teabag - to be in a position where he might endanger the entire crew? Who? Only a yoghurt! This man is not guilty of manslaughter, he is only guilty of being Arnold J. Rimmer. That is his crime; it is also his punishment!
S4 E3: Justice

Rimmer: I was just doing a little test. A little test to see if you'd gone crazy. (He makes an unholy noise.) If there's one thing I can't stand, it's crazy people.
Lister: Well, we've passed the test, Rimmer. You can let us out.
Rimmer: I can't let you out.
Lister: Why not?
Rimmer: Because the King of the Potato People won't let me. I've begged him. I've got down on my knees and wept! He wants to keep you here. Keep you here for ten years!
Cat: Could we see him?
Rimmer: See who?
Cat: The King.
Rimmer: Do you have a magic carpet?
Lister: Yeah. A little three-seater.
Rimmer: So let me get this straight: you want to fly on a magic carpet to see the King of the Potato People and plead with him for your freedom? And you're telling me you're completely sane?!
S5 E4: Quaratine

Rimmer: Step up to red alert!
Kryten: Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb!
S6 E2: Legion