The Thin Blue Line Quotes

(Grim can't get his computer to work.)
Grim: 'Cutting edge of technology'? Cutting edge of fannying about! What's wrong with a biro, that's what I say! I've booted up and I'm patched in! I'm online, offline, downloaded and extremely cheesed off!
Kray: You need to integrate your power supply at source, sir.
Grim: What?
Kray: Plug it in!
S1 E1: The Queen's Birthday Present

Habib: I mean, do you still read Biggles? That's what my little brother's reading, at the moment.
Fowler: And he could do a very great deal worse! Because even Biggles has much to tell us that is true about loyalty, courage, honour...
Habib: Gay love.
Fowler: Yes... (He suddenly realises what Habib said.) I beg your pardon?
Habib: Well, of course sir! Biggles and Ginger are lovers! It's absolutely obvious! I think it's great, the way they make such a positive image of a homosexual partnership.
Fowler: (He looks aghast.) Biggles and Ginger are comrades, Constable Habib. Comrades in arms!
Habib: Exactly!
Fowler: I am stunned, Constable Habib. Absolutely stunned and, indeed, distressed, that you choose to apply such a crass and puerile sexual connotation to innocent adventure yarns!
Habib: Oh, come on, sir! They're grown men; they must have a sexual life, but neither of them ever mention women; they bunk together; breakfast together; Biggles is always squeezing himself into Ginger's...
Kray: Cockpit!
Habib: ...Sopwith Camel. It's obvious! It's the same with Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson.
(Fowler looks at her in horror.)
Habib: Two blokes, sharing a flat... Sometimes, it's months between cases. What do they get up to in the meantime...?
Fowler: They chat! They smoke their pipes! They poke the fire!
(Kray giggles pervertedly.)
Habib: Look, sir! If Holmes and Watson are lovers, so what? Is there anything wrong with that?
Fowler: Yes, constable, there is! Because sex plays no part in these stories, whatsoever, hetero- or otherwise! The point of Biggles and of Sherlock Holmes is to solve crimes and kill Germans, and by heaven, that should be enough for any man!
S1 E1: The Queen's Birthday Present

Grim: Look, Raymond, you may have time for fannying about with presents and Biggles, but me and my officers are up to our necks in important detective work!
Fowler: 'My officers and I'.
Grim: What about 'em?
Fowler: Nothing about them. I'm simply informing you that the phrase is 'my officers and I', not 'me and my officers'.
Grim: Is that so? Well, me and my officers are on the brink of tracking down a bank raid gang via credit card transactions, which is, I think, a bit more important than fannying about and speaking hoity-toity!
Fowler: The rules of grammar, hoity-toity or otherwise, are there so that meaningful sentences can be formed and, more importantly, generally understood. Start stringing words together, willy-nilly, and it can lead to no end of confusion! Constable Kray, lend me your notebook.
(Kray gives Fowler the notebook.)
Fowler: Look, here: 'The criminal ran round my side and out the back at a colossal lick'. Jumble up the words and suddenly, you have 'The criminal licked out my colossal round backside and ran'!
Grim: IS THAT SO?! Well, try these words in a different order: 'Bugger' and 'off'! I mean, 'off' and 'bugger'!
S1 E1: The Queen's Birthday Present

Goody: We've got the new 'er', sir.
Fowler: The new 'er'?
Goody: That's right! The 'er'! Beautiful, it is! Beautiful and shiny! A beautiful and shiny 'er'!
(Fowler looks at Goody, unsure of what he's talking about.)
Goody: Well, you ordered it!
Fowler: I ordered an 'er'?
Goody: That's right! And now it's come! Frank's just been polishing it up. Come on, Frank! Show Inspector Fowler his new 'er'.
(Constable Gladstone enters the room, carrying the royal crest - which says 'E.R.'.)
Fowler: Oh, for god's sake! The new desk crest: E.R..
Goody: Yes, that's right: 'er'!
Fowler: Goody, this is a royal crest!
Goody: Yes, I know that! I'm not thick, am I?
Fowler: Well, if you knew that this crest represented the authority of Her Majesty, the Queen, what in the devil's briefcase did you imagine 'E.R.' stood for?!
Goody: ''Er in the Palace'!
Fowler: 'Elizabeth Regina'! It stands for 'Elizabeth Regina'!
Gladstone: Well, I never knew that. I thought it stood for 'Extremely Royal'.
S1 E3: Honey Trap

(Habib is practising her role as a honey trap for a criminal. She corners Goody in the station.)
Habib: Hello, gorgeous! Mmm, I love a man in a uniform. (She gasps.) Is that a truncheon in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?
(She does a kiss and walks off, leaving Goody flabbergasted. He reaches into his pocket.)
Goody: Actually, it's a Mars bar.
S1 E3: Honey Trap

Grim: He's out there, somewhere. A fat cat, spinning his web, with his tentacles in every pie!
S1 E5: Night Shift

Grim: I do not advocate a police state, Fowler!
Fowler: No, you just want to see everyone live in abject fear of authority.
Grim: Well, it would be nice!
S1 E5: Night Shift

Patricia: We are not the first - and we won't be the last - couple to have problems with our sex life.
Fowler: We do not have problems!
Patricia: We do not have a sex life!
Fowler: In which case, I really don't see how there can be a problem with it!
S1 E5: Night Shift

(The following evening, after a visit to a sex therapist.)
Fowler: What I should like to propose is that we clear away the things, do the washing up and then, perhaps, a bit of 'rumpy'.
Patricia: I'll just have another cup of... I beg your pardon?!
Fowler: I should like to make love, tonight, Patricia. And, perhaps, tomorrow morning. I might even be persuaded to have a bash at a different position.
Patricia: This is so sudden! So, the sex therapist worked?
Fowler: Worked? She's a genius! Because I will do anything - absolutely anything - as long as I don't have to visit that foul woman ever again!
S1 E5: Night Shift

Fowler: I mean, I didn't need drink and drugs to have a good time when I was their age; I had Meccano! Ecstasy? Huh! I'll tell you what ecstasy is! Completing a scale model of the Fourth Bridge, that's what ecstasy is! It makes me sad to see these children today with their drugs and sex and music. They'll never know the joy a young lad can have sitting alone in his room, with his tool in his hand, tightening his little nuts!
S1 E6: Kids Today

Fowler: Now, I realise, of course, that the Yuletide shift denies those involved certain traditional treats. Not for us, the last minute present-wrapping, carols round the tree, grandpa smoking his pipe, enjoying a good, rough shag.
S1 E7: Yuletide Spirit

Fowler: Well, in our case, all that must wait. Not for us, the simple pleasures of Christmas: sherry, chestnuts, father bringing home a big, fat bird and telling mum to stuff it!
Gladstone: Sounds like a right old rave-up at your house, sir.
S1 E7: Yuletide Spirit

Gladstone: You know, fellas that talk about it most do it least. I know; I talk about it all the time, and I haven't had any since the days of Harold Wilson.
Goody: I never knew you had a gay relationship, Frank!
Gladstone: What are you talking about?
Goody: This bloke, Harold Wilson, you were having it with.
Gladstone: Kevin, he was the Prime Minister.
Goody: (He looks shocked.) Blimey! And you, an ordinary copper. You did do well!
S1 E7: Yuletide Spirit

(A hippy woman has just given birth in the police station, on Christmas Eve.)
Fowler: Well, a police station is perhaps not the best of places for a child to spend its first night upon Earth, but we should perhaps remember that once, a baby was born in a far lowlier place than this, and went on to do rather well.
Goody: Yeah... Who was that, then?
Fowler: Jesus Christ, Goody!
Goody: Well, there is no need to swear, sir!
S1 E7: Yuletide Spirit

Grim: Police work is about villains, not 'isms'! What 'ism' ever mugged an old lady? What 'ism' ever robbed a bank? What 'ism' ever held a gun to someone's head?
Boyle: Terrorism?
Grim: Yeah, all right! Well, what 'ism' ever threatened the security of the state?
Boyle: Marxism?
Grim: What 'ism' ever hurt anybody?!
Boyle: Sadism!
S2 E2: Ism Ism Ism

(Fowler's verdict on modern police shows.)
Fowler: But, they're so predictable! There's always the two opposites! They don't get on, then they do get on; one of them's fat and gruff, the other one's thin and posh; one's a sad old drunk, the other one's a health fanatic; one of them's a woman, the other one's a Martian; one of them has four heads, the other one's allergic to heads!
S2 E3: Fly on the Wall

Gladstone: You know, sir, I was nearly in show business, once before. Oh, yes, my mother was very pushy! Well, I suppose all mums think their kids are beautiful, but the interesting thing is, sir, I actually was! A gorgeous little fella; big eyes, big smile, chubby little cheeks.
Fowler: Yes, I think I get the idea.
Gladstone: And the purest of pure soprano voices. I could curdle milk while it was still in the cow, sir! Mm-hm! Anyway, one day, Radio Trinidad advertised for a boy soprano. It was my big chance, sir! The whole street turned out to see me get on the bus. 'Young Frank Gladstone's going to be a star,' they said. And I would've been, but for two things...
Fowler: And what were they?
Gladstone: My testicles, sir. They dropped on the way to the auditions! I still believe that if that road had been tarmac'd, I would have got away with it! I was going to sing O, for the Wings of a Dove, I had to give them Old Man River, instead.
S2 E3: Fly on the Wall

(Grim is trying to impress a TV documentary crew.)
Grim: Very quiet day, this. Very quiet, indeed. And normally, our time would be a blur. A blur of drugs... violence... pornography... illicit sex...
Boyle: Course, sometimes we have to do a bit of work, as well!
S2 E3: Fly on the Wall

Fowler: Why this need for sensory stimulants? When I was an adolescent, my idea of a major sensory stimulant was sucking on a Fisherman's Friend!
(Goody starts laughing hysterically.)
Fowler: Have I said something amusing, Constable Goody?
Goody: (Still laughing.) Oh, yes, sir! Definitely!
Fowler: Really? Then, perhaps you'd like to explain the joke to me.
Goody: Yes, I will. Well, sir, you said that you were stimulated by sucking on a Fisherman's Friend... And I think that's very funny!
Fowler: I see. And why do you find it funny, Constable Goody?
Goody: Well, they're horrible, aren't they? Everyone knows that!
S2 E4: Alternative Culture

Patricia: Don't forget I've got my reflexology, this evening, Raymond.
Fowler: Ah, yes. Reflexology. Which one's that, again?
Patricia: It's a terrific shortcut to all-body well-being. (She shows Inspector Fowler a chart.) Every part of you is represented on the sole of the foot, so any pain or uptightness can be alleviated by firmly massaging the foot. So, here is the liver, and the colon, and the buttocks...
Fowler: And, er... And where is the foot represented?
Patricia: Erm... Well, I-I-
Fowler: I mean, supposing I had a really sore foot. How would you soothe my foot? By grabbing my foot and sticking your thumbs into my foot?
S2 E4: Alternative Culture

Grim: Why can't women ever get out of the house? I say, 'Tina! We are leaving at seven-thirty! That is seven-thirty, not a quarter to eight, not next year, not in another lifetime when we've come back as a couple of insects which only live for a day!' Which she'd spend in the bathroom, putting mascara on her antennae and trying to stick 300 contact lenses into her multiple eyes; lipsticking her spiracles and blonding her follicles!
S2 E5: Come On You Blues

Fowler: Now, our job on match day will be to police the Gasforth crowd. The Metropolitan Police will, of course, be in charge of the Chelsea supporters, and a nasty bunch of ill-mannered yobbos they're bound to be! I anticipate quite appalling behaviour.
Habib: I think you're being prejudiced, sir. Most supporters are genuine fans.
Fowler: I wasn't talking about the supporters, Habib, I was talking about the Metropolitan Police!
S2 E5: Come On You Blues

Goody: Actually, you know, the feeling of someone's ears on your inner thighs isn't entirely unpleasant...
S2 E6: Road Rage

(Fowler is trying to school his force on how to get environmental activists down from trees.)
Fowler: Now, somebody get hold of one end of the rope.
(Habib takes one end of the rope.)
Fowler: Hand it up to me. Thank you. (He ties the rope around him as he talks.) Goody, you get hold of the other end.
Goody: (While grabbing the rope.) Yes, yes!
Fowler: Now, pull it and gently tease me.
(Goody looks confused.)
Goody: Excuse me?
Fowler: Look, I can't stay up here all day, laddy! I've got a large constable between my legs! Tease me! Tease me!
Goody: All right. OK, erm... OK! What's the difference between Inspector Fowler and the canteen cabbage?
Fowler: What?
Goody: The cabbage once had a bit of life in it! (He laughs.) I'm afraid I can't take credit for that one, sir. It was Constable Habib's!
Habib: Thanks a lot, Kevin!
Fowler: Goody!
Goody: And here's one Gary Boyle made up!
Boyle: No, I didn't!
Goody: What's the difference between the manager of Barclays having a fight and Inspector Fowler having a conversation? Well, one's a warring banker, the other one's a boring wa-
Fowler: Right! That's it! Let me down!
S2 E6: Road Rage