Bernard: It used to be said there were two kinds of chairs to go with two kinds of minister: one sort folds up instantly; the other sort goes round and round in circles.
S1 E1: Open Government

Hacker: Martin, what's all this about Buranda?
Martin: What's all what?
Hacker: There's been a coup d'état!
Martin: How do you know?
Hacker: Well, it was on the news! Didn't you see? Don't you know? You're Foreign Secretary, for god's sake!
Martin: Yes, but my TV set's on the blink.
Hacker: Your TV set?! Don't you get Foreign Office telegrams?
Martin: Oh, no, they always come in later. I get all the foreign news from TV.
S1 E2: The Official Visit

(The ministry has just found out about an inflammatory planned speech from a visiting president.)
Hacker: Humphrey, do you think it's a good idea to issue a statement?
Sir Humphrey: Well, minister, in practical terms, we have the usual six options: one, do nothing; two, issue a statement deploring the speech; three, lodge an official protest; four, cut off aid; five, break off diplomatic relations and six, declare war.
Hacker: Which should it be?
Sir Humphrey: Well, if we do nothing, we implicitly agree with the speech. Two, if we issue a statement, we'll just look foolish. Three, if we lodge a protest, it'll be ignored. Four, we can't cut off aid because we don't give them any. Five, if we break off diplomatic relations, we can't negotiate the oil rig contracts, and six, if we declare war, it might just look as though we were overreacting.
S1 E2: The Official Visit

Hacker: Humphrey, do you see it as part of your job to help ministers make fools of themselves?
Sir Humphrey: Well, I never met one that needed any help.
S1 E6: The Right to Know

Chauffeur: What is it today, sir?
Hacker: Ministry. All the morning on National Health Service administration.
Chauffeur: Ah. This chap's just been talking about that on the radio. Saying that the trouble with health and education and transport is that all the top people in government go to private hospitals and send their kids to private schools.
Hacker: Oh, very good. Comedy programme, was it?
Chauffeur: ...And go to work in chauffeur-driven cars. Well, don't you think there's something in it, sir? I mean, if you and Sir Humphrey went to work on a number 27...
Hacker: That's quite impractical. We work quite long enough hours a day as it is, without having to wait an extra hour at bus stops!
Chauffeur: You'd have to make the bus service much more efficient, wouldn't you, sir?
Hacker: We certainly would!
Chauffeur: Yes, that's what he was saying. It's the same with the Health Service. Are you a member of B.U.P.A., sir?
Hacker: ...Anything on the radio?
S2 E1: The Compassionate Society

Bernard: Well, take the Foreign Office: first, you get the C.M.G., then the K.C.M.G., then the G.C.M.G.: the Commander of the Order of St. Michael and St. George; Knight Commander of St. Michael and St. George; Knight Grand Cross of St. Michael and St. George. Course, in the service, C.M.G. stands for 'Call Me God' and, er, K.C.M.G. for 'Kindly Call Me God'.
Hacker: (Laughs.) What does G.C.M.G. stand for?
Bernard: 'God Calls Me God'.
S2 E2: Doing the Honours

(Hacker is amused at an honour called 'The Knight of the Thistle'.)
Hacker: How do they award the 'Thistle'?
Bernard: A committee sits on it.
S2 E2: Doing the Honours

(Hacker has changed his mind on a petition he'd previously set up against electronic surveillance.)
Bernard: Shall I file it?
Hacker: 'Shall you file it'? Shred it!
Bernard: Shred it?!
Hacker: No one must ever be able to find it, again!
Bernard: In that case, minister, I think it's best I file it.
S2 E3: The Death List

Joan Littler: What I insist on knowing is what is the actual difference between dioxin and metadioxin.
Sir Humphrey: Well, it's quite simple: metadioxin is an inert compound of dioxin.
Joan Littler: Well, what...?
Hacker: Yes, I think I follow that, Humphrey. But, er, could you explain it a little more clearly?
Sir Humphrey: In what sense, minister?
Joan Littler: Well, what does 'inert' mean?
Sir Humphrey: Well, it means it's not... ert.
Bernard: Wouldn't 'ert' a fly.
S2 E4: The Greasy Pole

Bernard: Yes, minister?
Hacker: I wish you'd call me 'Jim'. At least when we're alone.
Bernard: Oh, I'll try to remember that, minister.
S3 E1: Equal Opportunites

Hacker: Sarah tells me that this complaint is complete nonsense. She's done a reply.
Bernard: Oh, fine. So, we can C.G.S.M. it.
Hacker: 'C.G.S.M.'?
Bernard: Civil service code, minister; it stands for 'Consignment of Geriatric Shoe Manufacturers'.
Hacker: Hm?
Bernard: A load of old cobblers, minister.
Hacker: I'm not a civil servant, I shall use my own code. I shall write 'Round Objects'.
S3 E1: Equal Opportunites

(It seems Hacker's code was not entirely clear...)
Bernard: You remember that letter you wrote 'Round Objects' on?
Hacker: Oh, yes?
Bernard: It's come back from Sir Humphrey's office. He's commented on it.
Hacker: What did he say?
Bernard: 'Who is Round and to what does he object?'
S3 E1: Equal Opportunites

(Hacker and Humphrey discuss local councillors.)
Sir Humphrey: They're public-spirited citizens, selflessly sacrificing their spare time.
Hacker: Have you ever met any?
Sir Humphrey: Occasionally, when there was no alternative.
Hacker: Half of them are self-centred busybodies on an ego trip, and the other half are in it for what they can get out of it!
Sir Humphrey: Perhaps they ought to be in the House of Commons!
S3 E2: The Challenge

Sir Humphrey: I implore you to stay out of the minefield of local government! It is a political graveyard!
Bernard: But-but, excuse me, Sir Humphrey, you cannot have a graveyard in a minefield, because all the corpses would... (He mimes an explosion, including doing the sound effects!)
S3 E2: The Challenge

Sir Humphrey: If local authorities don't send us the statistics that we ask for, then government figures will be a nonsense.
Hacker: Why?
Sir Humphrey: They'll be incomplete!
Hacker: But government figures are a nonsense, anyway!
Bernard: Minister, I think Sir Humphrey wants to ensure they're a complete nonsense.
S3 E3 - The Skeleton in the Cupboard

Hacker: How did Sir Humphrey know that I was with Dr. Cartwright?
Bernard: God moves in a mysterious way.
Hacker: Let me make one thing perfectly clear: Humphrey is not God! OK?
Bernard: Will you tell him or shall I?
S3 E3 - The Skeleton in the Cupboard

Sir Humphrey: Minister, I think there is something that perhaps you ought to know.
Hacker: Yes, Humphrey?
Sir Humphrey: The identity of the official whose alleged responsibility for this hypothetical oversight has been the subject of recent discussion is not shrouded in quite such impenetrable obscurity as certain previous disclosures may have led you to assume. But, not to put too fine a point on it, the individual in question is, it may surprise you to learn, one whom your present interlocutor is in the habit of defining by means of the perpendicular pronoun.
Hacker: I beg your pardon?
Sir Humphrey: It was I!
S3 E3 - The Skeleton in the Cupboard

(Jim Hacker is reading out an article in the Financial Times.)
Hacker: 'It's said that this is part of a hideous web of corruption woven by Western industrial countries and third-world governments that forms a blot on our modern civilisation.'
Bernard: Webs don't form blots, minister.
Hacker: What? (He looks at Bernard, confused.)
Bernard: Well, spiders don't have any ink, you see; only cuttlefish.
S3 E4: The Moral Dimension

Hacker: It's not like the F.T. to print a story like this unless there's something behind it.
(Hacker looks over at Humphrey, who refuses to respond.)
Hacker: Is there something behind it, Humphrey?
Bernard: (He reaches over to the page as he speaks.) I think the sports news is behind it.
S3 E4: The Moral Dimension

Sir Humphrey: I strongly advise you not to ask a direct question.
Hacker: Why?
Sir Humphrey: It might provoke a direct answer.
Hacker: It never has, yet!
S3 E4: The Moral Dimension

Hacker: Are you saying that winking at corruption is government policy?
Sir Humphrey: No, no, minister! It could never be government policy! That is unthinkable! Only government practice.
S3 E4: The Moral Dimension

Sir Humphrey: A 'cynic' is what an idealist calls a realist.
S3 E4: The Moral Dimension

Bernard: Well, I was just wondering if the minister was right, actually.
Sir Humphrey: Very unlikely. What about?
Bernard: About ends and means. I mean, will I end up as a moral vacuum, too?
Sir Humphrey: Oh, I hope so, Bernard, if you work hard enough.
S3 E6: The Whisky Priest

Bernard: If it's our job to carry out government policies, shouldn't we believe in them?
Sir Humphrey: (He scoffs.) What an extraordinary idea!
Bernard: Why?
Sir Humphrey: Bernard, I have served 11 Governments in the past 30 years. If I believed in all their policies, I would have been passionately committed to keeping out of the Common Market and passionately committed to going into it; I would have been utterly convinced of the rightness of nationalising steel, and of de-nationalising it and re-nationalising it; for capital punishment, I'd have been a fervent retentionist and an ardent abolitionist; I would've been a Keynesian and a Friedmanite; a grammar school preserver and destroyer; a nationalisation freak and privatisation maniac, but above all, I would have been a stark, staring, raving schizophrenic!
S3 E6: The Whisky Priest

Hacker: Nothing wrong with subsidising sport. Sport is educational!
Sir Humphrey: We have sex education, too. Should we subsidise sex, perhaps?
Bernard: Oh, could we?
S3 E7: The Middle-Class Rip-Off

Hacker: I think we agree that, so far, my premiership has been a great success.
Sir Humphrey: Oh, indeed!
Hacker: Yes. And I've been asking myself, 'what can I do to continue this run of success?'.
Sir Humphrey: Have you considered masterly inactivity?
Hacker: Er, no, Humphrey. The Prime Minister must be firm!
Sir Humphrey: Indeed. How about firm masterly inactivity?
S1 E1: The Grand Design

Sir Humphrey: With Trident, we could obliterate the whole of Eastern Europe!
Hacker: I don't want to obliterate the whole of Eastern Europe!
Sir Humphrey: It's a deterrent!
Hacker: It's a bluff! I probably wouldn't use it.
Sir Humphrey: Yes, but they don't know that you probably wouldn't.
Hacker: They probably do!
Sir Humphrey: Yes, they probably know that you probably wouldn't, but they can't certainly know!
Hacker: They probably certainly know that I probably wouldn't.
Sir Humphrey: Yes, but even though they probably certainly know that you probably wouldn't, they don't certainly know that although you probably wouldn't, there's no probability that you certainly would!
S1 E1: The Grand Design

Sir Humphrey: If you walked into a nuclear missile showroom, you would buy Trident! It's lovely, it's elegant, it's beautiful. It is quite simply the best! And Britain should have the best! In the world of the nuclear missile, it is the... the Savile Row suit; the Rolls Royce Corniche; the Chateau Lafite 1945. It is the nuclear missile Harrods would sell! What more can I say?
Hacker: Only that it costs 15 billion pounds and we don't need it.
Sir Humphrey: Well, you can say that about anything at Harrods!
S1 E1: The Grand Design

(Sir Humphrey gives Bernard a demonstration on how to rig an opinion poll.)
Sir Humphrey: Bernard, you know what happens. A nice young lady comes up to you. Obviously, you want to create a good impression. You don't want to look a fool, do you?
Bernard: No.
Sir Humphrey: No. So, she starts asking you some questions: 'Mr. Woolley, are you worried about the number of young people without jobs?'
Bernard: Yes.
Sir Humphrey: 'Are you worried about the rise in crime among teenagers?'
Bernard: Yes.
Sir Humphrey: 'Do you think there's a lack of discipline in our comprehensive schools?'
Bernard: Yes.
Sir Humphrey: 'Do you think young people welcome some authority and leadership in their lives?'
Bernard: Yes.
Sir Humphrey: 'Do you think they respond to a challenge?'
Bernard: Yes.
Sir Humphrey: 'Would you be in favour of reintroducing National Service?'
Bernard: Ye- Oh, well, I suppose I might be.
Sir Humphrey: Yes or no?
Bernard: Yes.
Sir Humphrey: Of course you would, Bernard! After all you've told her, you can't say 'no' to that. So, they don't mention the first five questions and they publish the last one.
Bernard: Is that really what they do?
Sir Humphrey: Well, not the reputable ones, no. But there aren't many of those. So, alternatively, the young lady can get the opposite result.
Bernard: How?
Sir Humphrey: 'Mr. Woolley, are you worried about the danger of war?'
Bernard: Yes.
Sir Humphrey: 'Are you worried about the growth of armaments?'
Bernard: Yes.
Sir Humphrey: 'Do you think there's a danger in giving young people guns and teaching them how to kill?'
Bernard: Yes.
Sir Humphrey: 'Do you think it's wrong to force people to take up arms against their will?'
Bernard: Yes.
Sir Humphrey: 'Would you oppose the reintroduction of National Service?'
Bernard: Yes...
Sir Humphrey: There you are, you see, Bernard. The perfect balanced sample.
S1 E2: The Ministerial Broadcast

Bernard: Oh, my god!
Sir Humphrey: No, Bernard; it's just your boss!
S1 E4: The Key

Sir Humphrey: The Prime Minister does not have it within his power to deprive me of my key!
Bernard: It's his house.
Sir Humphrey: It's a government building!
Bernard: Well, I believe it's the Prime Minister's decision who comes into his house. After all, I don't give my mother-in-law the key to my house.
Sir Humphrey: I am not the Prime Minister's mother-in-law, Bernard!
S1 E4: The Key

(After being locked out of No. 10, Sir Humphrey resorts to breaking in!)
Hacker: Sir Humphrey! To what do we owe this pleasure?
Sir Humphrey: Prime Minister, I must protest, in the strongest possible terms, my profound opposition to a newly-instituted practice which imposes severe and intolerable restrictions upon the ingress and egress of senior members of the hierarchy and which will, in all probability, should the current deplorable innovation be perpetuated, precipitate a constriction of the channels of communication, and culminate in the condition of organisational atrophy and administrative paralysis which will render effectively impossible the coherent and coordinated discharge of the function of government within Her Majesty's United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland!
Hacker: Do you mean you've lost your key?
S1 E4: The Key

(Hacker needs to feed the press a news story to distract from another, unflattering, story.)
Hacker: What do you think, Bernard? You seem to be rather good at getting things into the papers...
Bernard: Well, er, what about a royal event?
Hacker: Such as?
Bernard: Well, an engagement; a divorce; a pregnancy...
Hacker: You can arrange that?
S2 E2: Official Secrets

(Hacker and Humphrey are discussing the upcoming funeral of the previous Prime Minister.)
Hacker: There'll be plenty of room for television cameras, won't there?
Sir Humphrey: Oh, yes.
Hacker: Outside Number 10, along the route, outside the abbey, inside the abbey, one pointing directly at my pew.
Sir Humphrey: Erm, now, wouldn't that mean putting the cameraman in the pulpit?
Hacker: Will that be all right?
Sir Humphrey: Well, it won't leave a lot of room for the Archbishop.
Hacker: Well... So, where will he preach from?
Sir Humphrey: I think he'll need to be in the pulpit.
Hacker: Well, where will my camera be?
Sir Humphrey: Well, there's always the High Altar, but I think the Archbishop may need that, as well.
Hacker: Who does he think he is?!
Sir Humphrey: Well, he probably thinks it's a religious ceremony. Nobody's told him it's a Party Political.
S2 E3: A Diplomatic Incident

Bernard: Yes? ...Er, yes, we will want simultaneous translators. ...Er, no, not when the P.M. meets the leaders of the English-speaking nations. ...Er, yes, the English-speaking nations can be said to include the United States... With a certain generosity of spirit.
S2 E3: A Diplomatic Incident

Bernard: Hello? Yes? ...Er, yes, there are about ten Prime Ministers flying in today. Special Branch are going crazy. So is the band of the Royal Marines, who've got to play all the national anthems. ...Oh, I see. Thanks! (He puts the phone down.) Argentina's not coming. That's a bit of luck!
Peter: Because of the Falklands?
Bernard: Er, no, because their anthem goes on for about six minutes.
S2 E3: A Diplomatic Incident

Peter: Bernard, there is one possibility: make Buckingham Palace notionally an extension of the French embassy. Then the dog would still be on foreign territory.
Bernard: Peter, the P.M. is fighting for the sovereignty of the Channel Tunnel. How do you think he feels about the sovereignty of Buck House?!
Peter: It was just a thought.
Bernard: How do you think the sovereign feels about the sovereignty of Buck House?
S2 E3: A Diplomatic Incident

Bernard: Yes? ...Er, no, we can't have alphabetical seating in the abbey. You'd have Iraq and Iran next to each other. Plus Israel and Jordan all sitting in the same pew. We'd be in danger of starting World War III! ...I know Ireland begins with an 'I', but no! ...Ireland doesn't make it any better. Ireland doesn't make anything any better!
S2 E3: A Diplomatic Incident

Graham: Bernard, the Palace wants to know if there's a problem about the red carpets, and Her Majesty's worried that the President of the Ivory Coast wishes to award her with the Order of the Elephant.
Bernard: (To the phone.) Hang on. (He blocks the phone and addresses Graham.) Graham, we can't have another animal, especially an elephant! The whole of Whitehall - the Home Office, Foreign Office, Cabinet Office, the D.H.S.S. - we've all been tied up with one puppy for nearly a week! Government's been paralysed! No elephants!
S2 E3: A Diplomatic Incident

Sir Humphrey: Oh, Prime Minister, are you prepared to give permission for the French President's car to be stopped and searched? Are you prepared to violate their diplomatic immunity and search the diplomatic bag?
Hacker: Even they wouldn't put a puppy in a bag.
Bernard: It would be a 'doggy bag'.
Hacker: Especially if we searched and found it. That would put the cat among the pigeons.
Bernard: Or let the dog out of the bag!
S2 E3: A Diplomatic Incident

Sir Humphrey: The only way to understand the press is to remember that they pander to their readers' prejudices.
Hacker: Don't tell me about the press! I know exactly who reads the papers: The Daily Mirror is read by people who think they run the country; The Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country; The Times is read by the people who actually do run the country; The Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country; Financial Times is read by people who own the country; The Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by another country and The Daily Telegraph is read by people who think it is!
Sir Humphrey: Prime Minister, what about the people who read The Sun?
Bernard: Sun-readers don't care who runs the country as long as she's got big tits!
S2 E4: A Conflict of Interest

Sir Arnold: It's the old logical fallacy: 'All cats have four legs. My dog has four legs...'
Sir Humphrey: '...Therefore, my dog is a cat'.
Sir Arnold: He's suffering from 'politician's logic'.
Sir Humphrey: 'Something must be done. This is something. Therefore, we must do it'.
Sir Arnold: But doing the wrong thing is worse than doing nothing.
Sir Humphrey: Doing anything is worse than doing nothing!
S2 E5: Power to the People

Bernard: But isn't it a bad idea to be associated with actors? I mean, their job is pretending to be what they're not. And if you're seen with them, well, people might realise... (He suddenly realises what he's saying!)
Hacker: Go on, Bernard!
Bernard: Well, I, er... I mean, er, not 'realise', might suspect... Er, er, might think that you were, er... Not that you were pretending... I mean, er, entertaining... Er, what was it you wanted to speak to Bill about?
S2 E6: The Patron of the Arts

Hacker: I'm not against sex education.
Party Chairman: Well, I'm not against children being taught the 'facts of life' in the classroom, but not homosexual technique. Or heterosexual technique, come to that!
Hacker: Well, where should they learn it, then?
Party Chairman: Behind the bike sheds, like we used to!
S2 E7: The National Education Service

Sir Humphrey: Oh, it's hardly worth bothering you with, Prime Minister, but that enterprise school where you were televised last week...
Hacker: Yes?
Sir Humphrey: Yes, well, the profits, it seems, a model for other schools to follow...
Hacker: Yes, yes! Go on, go on!
Sir Humphrey: The profits were, apparently, the proceeds of theft.
Hacker: Theft? What do you mean 'theft'?
Sir Humphrey: I mean removing goods without the knowledge or consent of the owner with the intent to permanently depriving them of the possession...
Hacker: Yes, I know what 'theft' means, Humphrey! What do you mean?
Sir Humphrey: Well, the stool that they gave you was made from wood appropriated from the local Y.D.S. workshops.
Hacker: What do you mean?
Sir Humphrey: It was nicked! By two of last year's pupils!
Bernard: A pair of nickers!
S2 E7: The National Education Service